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gabe_speaks Jun. 7th, 2009 01:32 am)
gabe_speaks Jun. 7th, 2009 01:32 am)And not just Harry Potter creature!fic that are vampires, but vampire stories in general.
And not just Twatlight, or that horrible Lost Boys II, or the irredeemable Dracula:2000, but ALL vampire stories.
[Yes, there's is an exception, which I'll explain at the end.]
I hate the contradiction of the vampire. And no, not that metaphoric contradiction (tho' I do hate those, too), but the contradiction of how a vampire unlives. For instance, if they are dead, then they are dead. That means, no erections [ERECTIONS HAPPEN BECAUSE OF BLOOD -- HAVE WE ALL FORGOTTEN THIS?!?!?!?!], no sex [if they are dead, then they cannot feel; if they cannot feel, then why would they have sex?], no "sweet taste of blood" because the vamp is dead [which means no taste buds]. In fact, you'd have to create a whole new set of physiological behaviors to satisfy my distaste for how we normally treat the "biology" of vampires.
I hate the idea that vampires can hear heartbeats and smell their victims. Okay, so I can't justify a story about blind and deaf monsters -- tho' some flailing beast in the middle of the room is at least good for one scary moment -- but I can't abide the "oh, I don't need to breathe, yet somehow I've lungs enough to inhale and receptors strong enough to register it as a smell. (Oh, and it's better than a living person's smell, too, in case you're wondering.)
I hate that a vampire is supposed to be a dead thing, yet their eyes never dry out . . . their belly never gets full, yet they don't have the poops and the pees . . . and they've moisture enough to speak. Oh, and speaking requires a fair bit o' breathing too, by the way. Unless they're speaking in voiceless
I hate all the metaphors for vampires, most especially the blood=power shtick. And the mirror-soul one pisses me off. Why would we still hold on to that bit o' nonsense? If vampires don't cast reflections, then they are invisible. Period. Being undead doesn't change the laws of physics, dammit! Granted, this could make for "interesting" "story-telling" cinematographically speaking, but even then it's hackneyed.
I hate the stupid ways of dispatching a vampire. I'm sure you can list them:
Anything I miss? Anything in here that cannot kill a regular dude?
I hate all the stupid safeguards against vampirism.
Really? Just go into your house sandwiched between two streams -- and stay there at night, eating plenty of garlic -- and don't invite people into your home. The sort of world that would create this sort of folklore gibberish, I hate that world too. Only bad people go out at night. Don't invite people to your home. Stick to yourself. Don't live in cities. Fuck. That. When I read vampire stories, I can't get past this part. I can turn a twitchy eye to some of the biological parts of it, but this part . . . this very real part . . . guh. I'm getting sick -- and pissed off -- just thinking about it.
I hate that vampire stories touch on the soul issue, yet never really deal with it. JK Rowling dealt with the soul issue better than most modern writers of vamp stories. At least she tells us upfront that without a soul, you're a husk of a person -- alive, yet lifeless. I can deal with that. But to call a vampire soulless and not go on about what that means . . . ? And no I don't fall for the "well, that's why they're so mean!" excuse, either. They're mean because they need to survive and they need to kill, basically, to survive. They can't be mean because they need to survive AND they are soulless. That's cheating! And if they truly are parasitic, then they're not evil. Not really. Detrimental to our health, surely, but not evil. So in accepting the vamp-as-evil trope, we're basically saying that the people around which time the folklore[s] started, took hold, and evolved "got it right" about good and evil. And I don't think they did. Not by a long shot. [Maybe that's why I don't mind the bio-/genetic vampire stories so much . . . more on that later.]
I hate that even the less religious vampire stories have vamps stronger and faster than humans. Why? How? Since they feel no pain, I can see them running longer than a human runs, thus being able to outrun them; I can see them punching through walls and doors and even lifting slightly heavier stuff because they wouldn't feel the pain of impact or the strain of lifting; but I cannot see them as running faster or being stronger than a regular Joe.
In fact, my scenario above kinda makes it scarier. You can defeat a vamp, but you better do it quickly. You can hide from a vamp, but you better hide well, because they can run longer than you can, since they don't get winded.
You'd think, in fact, that the older the vampire is, the less sexual they become, because after centuries of not feeling ANYTHING, why would they even care to think that this one last time will be different?Yes, you could write a story about a vampire coming to terms with their sensation-less, emotion-less existence, and trying one last time to feel something -- anything -- and how that truly kills him making him as dead on the inside as he is on the outside . . . er, okay, strike that you read that. That's actually a pretty good idea. But no one writes about that stuff, do they? No one writes about the logical existence of a vampire, what it would mean to live that logical existence, nor do they bring the story to its logical conclusion. They just use magic or the arcane or the supernatural to explain away the contradictions of vampirism, most of the time. Now, there are bio-vamps, whereby the story revolves around a race of meta-humans, who need blood for whatever reason, but even they sometimes make the mistake of using 'dead' and 'undead' and shit like that. Big mistake. I'll take a "genetically baseline human whose condition and physical needs look a lot like vampirism", I'll even take the whole psychic vampire thing, but regular vampire stories, with all the baggage and unnecessary eroticism and master-slave nonsensery . . . ? Bah!
That said, aside from the above exceptions, I don't mind the story of vampires whereby the fact that they are vampires is unimportant. Or if the story is a comedy, or satire, or something of the sort. So Christopher Moore's two vamp stories are safe. It's examining something other than vampirism. Also stories that deliberately blow the folklore bits to smithereens are safe. Alex Bledsoe's Blood Groove, for all its faults, flaws, and poor story telling, is kinda safe from my Anti-Vamp Ire [AVI] because he points out the ridiculousness of many of the vampire weaknesses. No rampant killing needed. No allergies to garlic. Sensitive skin, sure, but no nocturnal requirements. No crosses. Crossing streams allowed. Crossing thresholds uninvited allowed. Certainly, you still have stupid shit like hypnosis and transmorphing and the super speed/strength, and the sex, but . . . okay, never mind, Blood Groove is not safe, it's just not as in danger as the other stories.
Also, as I mentioned before, the vampire-as-a-species stories are all right, too. Well . . . so long as they don't make the mistake of referring to their condition as being 'undead'. If they are fuckin' dead, then they should be rotting. Period. If it's magic that keeps them alive, then there had better be magic readily accessible in the world. That, by the way, is how I accept BtVS/AtS beyond the simple "it's a cool show" fact. I mean, there's magic in the world. I still don't like the idea of them being soulless. Whedon could have simply explained that a bit better. I'll accept a heaven and a hell in a world with magic, and I'll even accept that having a soul means that you can get into one or the other. But just saying they are soulless without explaining what a soul is for, and what having one or losing one means, simply will not do. That's probably why I hated AtS's final season, because it dealt with the Angel-Soul issue so much. Any of the Angel-Soul stories, I tend to hate.
Okay, well, I'm done ranting. Yes, I realize that there are cool implications in dealing with vampires in stories. Maybe I hate vampire stories because I hate the stories that writers are writing. Yes, there are nice implications of a world in which vampires exist. But no one writes it. I'd love to read a story -- or see a movie -- that explains, or investigates, how a society would really have had to evolve in a world where vamps live with humans. How integrated would they have been. Certainly there would be a bit of subjugation involved. But a world where we have the nuke and a shit load of military boys is a world where humans are no punk bitch. And a vampire who has seen man crawl from a potato famine to destroying nearly an entire city -- two actually -- with a single device would hardly have the holier-than-thou attitude that we see in Blood Groove, True Blood, Lost Boys, and countless other vamp stories/shows/movies.
I mean, think about it: a world like Twatlight's, where the father-vamp dude is a fuckin' doctor?!?! Okay, Edward sulking around Mary Sue all day telling her to leave him alone even as he follows her is uninteresting. Blah. Blah. But showing how a vampire decided to go to Med School to erect a ruse -- AND GOT HIS FUCKIN' DEGREE!!! -- is pretty damned interesting. Well . . . it could be interesting. I mean, I have two RNs for friends and a friend going to med school, and so far, no night classes. The only time they are in class when it's dark is when it's winter time and the sun hasn't come up for their 7:00AM class! Write me THAT story, vampire lovers, and no more nonsense about soulless, dead, undead people who are somehow able to sniff me out of my hiding place.
This said, I cast no aspersions against people who read, write, and love vampire stories of any sort. Altho' I do shake my head in wonderment at Twilight lovers. ;-P
And not just Twatlight, or that horrible Lost Boys II, or the irredeemable Dracula:2000, but ALL vampire stories.
[Yes, there's is an exception, which I'll explain at the end.]
I hate the contradiction of the vampire. And no, not that metaphoric contradiction (tho' I do hate those, too), but the contradiction of how a vampire unlives. For instance, if they are dead, then they are dead. That means, no erections [ERECTIONS HAPPEN BECAUSE OF BLOOD -- HAVE WE ALL FORGOTTEN THIS?!?!?!?!], no sex [if they are dead, then they cannot feel; if they cannot feel, then why would they have sex?], no "sweet taste of blood" because the vamp is dead [which means no taste buds]. In fact, you'd have to create a whole new set of physiological behaviors to satisfy my distaste for how we normally treat the "biology" of vampires.
I hate the idea that vampires can hear heartbeats and smell their victims. Okay, so I can't justify a story about blind and deaf monsters -- tho' some flailing beast in the middle of the room is at least good for one scary moment -- but I can't abide the "oh, I don't need to breathe, yet somehow I've lungs enough to inhale and receptors strong enough to register it as a smell. (Oh, and it's better than a living person's smell, too, in case you're wondering.)
I hate that a vampire is supposed to be a dead thing, yet their eyes never dry out . . . their belly never gets full, yet they don't have the poops and the pees . . . and they've moisture enough to speak. Oh, and speaking requires a fair bit o' breathing too, by the way. Unless they're speaking in voiceless
I hate all the metaphors for vampires, most especially the blood=power shtick. And the mirror-soul one pisses me off. Why would we still hold on to that bit o' nonsense? If vampires don't cast reflections, then they are invisible. Period. Being undead doesn't change the laws of physics, dammit! Granted, this could make for "interesting" "story-telling" cinematographically speaking, but even then it's hackneyed.
I hate the stupid ways of dispatching a vampire. I'm sure you can list them:
- --> stake through the heart
- --> burning
- --> beheading
- --> silver bullet
Anything I miss? Anything in here that cannot kill a regular dude?
I hate all the stupid safeguards against vampirism.
- --> garlic
- --> daytime
- --> rivers and streams
- --> no invitations
Really? Just go into your house sandwiched between two streams -- and stay there at night, eating plenty of garlic -- and don't invite people into your home. The sort of world that would create this sort of folklore gibberish, I hate that world too. Only bad people go out at night. Don't invite people to your home. Stick to yourself. Don't live in cities. Fuck. That. When I read vampire stories, I can't get past this part. I can turn a twitchy eye to some of the biological parts of it, but this part . . . this very real part . . . guh. I'm getting sick -- and pissed off -- just thinking about it.
I hate that vampire stories touch on the soul issue, yet never really deal with it. JK Rowling dealt with the soul issue better than most modern writers of vamp stories. At least she tells us upfront that without a soul, you're a husk of a person -- alive, yet lifeless. I can deal with that. But to call a vampire soulless and not go on about what that means . . . ? And no I don't fall for the "well, that's why they're so mean!" excuse, either. They're mean because they need to survive and they need to kill, basically, to survive. They can't be mean because they need to survive AND they are soulless. That's cheating! And if they truly are parasitic, then they're not evil. Not really. Detrimental to our health, surely, but not evil. So in accepting the vamp-as-evil trope, we're basically saying that the people around which time the folklore[s] started, took hold, and evolved "got it right" about good and evil. And I don't think they did. Not by a long shot. [Maybe that's why I don't mind the bio-/genetic vampire stories so much . . . more on that later.]
I hate that even the less religious vampire stories have vamps stronger and faster than humans. Why? How? Since they feel no pain, I can see them running longer than a human runs, thus being able to outrun them; I can see them punching through walls and doors and even lifting slightly heavier stuff because they wouldn't feel the pain of impact or the strain of lifting; but I cannot see them as running faster or being stronger than a regular Joe.
In fact, my scenario above kinda makes it scarier. You can defeat a vamp, but you better do it quickly. You can hide from a vamp, but you better hide well, because they can run longer than you can, since they don't get winded.
You'd think, in fact, that the older the vampire is, the less sexual they become, because after centuries of not feeling ANYTHING, why would they even care to think that this one last time will be different?
That said, aside from the above exceptions, I don't mind the story of vampires whereby the fact that they are vampires is unimportant. Or if the story is a comedy, or satire, or something of the sort. So Christopher Moore's two vamp stories are safe. It's examining something other than vampirism. Also stories that deliberately blow the folklore bits to smithereens are safe. Alex Bledsoe's Blood Groove, for all its faults, flaws, and poor story telling, is kinda safe from my Anti-Vamp Ire [AVI] because he points out the ridiculousness of many of the vampire weaknesses. No rampant killing needed. No allergies to garlic. Sensitive skin, sure, but no nocturnal requirements. No crosses. Crossing streams allowed. Crossing thresholds uninvited allowed. Certainly, you still have stupid shit like hypnosis and transmorphing and the super speed/strength, and the sex, but . . . okay, never mind, Blood Groove is not safe, it's just not as in danger as the other stories.
Also, as I mentioned before, the vampire-as-a-species stories are all right, too. Well . . . so long as they don't make the mistake of referring to their condition as being 'undead'. If they are fuckin' dead, then they should be rotting. Period. If it's magic that keeps them alive, then there had better be magic readily accessible in the world. That, by the way, is how I accept BtVS/AtS beyond the simple "it's a cool show" fact. I mean, there's magic in the world. I still don't like the idea of them being soulless. Whedon could have simply explained that a bit better. I'll accept a heaven and a hell in a world with magic, and I'll even accept that having a soul means that you can get into one or the other. But just saying they are soulless without explaining what a soul is for, and what having one or losing one means, simply will not do. That's probably why I hated AtS's final season, because it dealt with the Angel-Soul issue so much. Any of the Angel-Soul stories, I tend to hate.
Okay, well, I'm done ranting. Yes, I realize that there are cool implications in dealing with vampires in stories. Maybe I hate vampire stories because I hate the stories that writers are writing. Yes, there are nice implications of a world in which vampires exist. But no one writes it. I'd love to read a story -- or see a movie -- that explains, or investigates, how a society would really have had to evolve in a world where vamps live with humans. How integrated would they have been. Certainly there would be a bit of subjugation involved. But a world where we have the nuke and a shit load of military boys is a world where humans are no punk bitch. And a vampire who has seen man crawl from a potato famine to destroying nearly an entire city -- two actually -- with a single device would hardly have the holier-than-thou attitude that we see in Blood Groove, True Blood, Lost Boys, and countless other vamp stories/shows/movies.
I mean, think about it: a world like Twatlight's, where the father-vamp dude is a fuckin' doctor?!?! Okay, Edward sulking around Mary Sue all day telling her to leave him alone even as he follows her is uninteresting. Blah. Blah. But showing how a vampire decided to go to Med School to erect a ruse -- AND GOT HIS FUCKIN' DEGREE!!! -- is pretty damned interesting. Well . . . it could be interesting. I mean, I have two RNs for friends and a friend going to med school, and so far, no night classes. The only time they are in class when it's dark is when it's winter time and the sun hasn't come up for their 7:00AM class! Write me THAT story, vampire lovers, and no more nonsense about soulless, dead, undead people who are somehow able to sniff me out of my hiding place.
This said, I cast no aspersions against people who read, write, and love vampire stories of any sort. Altho' I do shake my head in wonderment at Twilight lovers. ;-P